First up, please don’t start making assumptions about me based on the very lame title to this post. I am not a friendless loner or anything, but I’ve just started a new school. So, let the list begin…
1. It’s important that when you repeat an offensive racist joke you just heard someone say to someone else (to illustrate how much you are repulsed by the person who told it), make sure that
a) the person you are talking to is not BEST FRIENDS with the boy who told the joke and
b) that you don’t say it too loudly because people could overhear what you are saying out of context and genuinely believe that it is you making the racist joke.
2. Now, this next one is unbelievable but actually did happen to me my third day at this new school. We were doing a debate in Philosophy class and my class was split half and half standing either side of the room. I was leaning against a desk with my index finger on my lip and my ankles crossed. After about ten minutes or so, the teacher calls time and tells us to go back to our seats. Only I find that MY LEGS ARE STUCK TOGETHER. As in, I can’t move them. I freeze. I’m blushing, I’m totally out of my depth. People are staring. I have to physically pull my legs apart, to find white globs of stringy chewing gum hanging like a bridge just below my knees. Learn from my mistake of leaning against a desk a student had accessorized with Wrigleys and saliva and MAKE SURE THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN TO YOU.
3. I got my hair caught on a disassembled fire alarm.
4. I was getting off the train in a rush because if I don’t power walk to school I’ll be late and get a notice, when, digging in my bag for my season ticket, I realized I’D LEFT IT AT HOME. So without it they genuinely wouldn’t let me out of the station until I’d paid a frickin’ twenty pound fare. Causing me to stumble red, sweaty and out of breath into my form class forty minutes later, making a great first impression in the process…
I hope these cautionary tales have inspired you to act cool and collected. Remember, have more than you show and speak less than you know.
Yours, Mowgli xxx
p.s. the list format is back with a vengeance!