Mowgli’s Guide To Her Week

1. I found out my school has an on site shooting range I didn’t know existed (that’s right, a SHOOTING RANGE). I’m genuinely worried about what else they’re hiding.

2. I can’t get contact lenses in after over a year of trying….. It’s incredibly frustrating and a long-term short-term goal, if you know what I mean.

3. My ninety year old neighbour FELL INTO A BONFIRE. Luckily it was unlit but, in his own words, “two seconds later and I could have been cremated!!”

Mowgli’s Guide To A Good Joke

I don’t know how many of you have been in a situation when you have to tell a joke. Now, I like to think of myself as a relatively quick-witted person, but the instruction ‘Tell us a joke!’ stumps me every time. So I thought I’d put together a cursory list of material to use in situations like this, from one-liners to long-winded tales, from old favourites to newcomers…

1. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

2. Dyslexic man walks into a bra…

3. I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” and I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

4. The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

5. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

6. I saw a man chatting up a cheetah yesterday and I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

7. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

8. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

9. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar and the barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

10. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

11. After an acrimonious divorce, a man sends his ex-wife a tombstone for her birthday with her name on it and the words ‘Cold as usual’. On his birthday, she reciprocated by sending him a tombstone bearing the words ‘Stiff at last.’

12. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

13. An Essex woman had three sons and she called them all ‘Tyrone’. To distinguish between them, she called them by their last names.

14. Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”. So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.” “What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”

15. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here!” Argon doesn’t react.

16. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

17. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

18. Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. They were brought to the cannibal king who tells the three men that they must complete a series of tests so that they will not be eaten. The first task, he tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. So they go out to scavenger the island. The first man brings back apples and is told for the next task, he must shove all 10 up his butt without a noise or emotion. He gets one and a half up there before he screams and gets killed and eaten. The second man comes back with 10 berries and told of the same task. As he is about to get the 10th and final berry in, he bursts out in laughter and gets killed and eaten. Up in heaven the first man meets the second man and asked why he laughed since he was so close to freedom. He replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the other guy walk in with pineapples.”

19. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

20. Why do you never see black people on a cruise? ‘Cause they ain’t falling for that again!

21. An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are exploring the desert. They come across a big slide guarded by a woman who says “Climb the ladder, go down the slide and shout your material wish. It will appear in a big pile at the bottom.” The Englishman tries it first. He climbs the ladder, goes down the slide and shouts “SILVER!” The woman grants his wish and he lands in a pile of silver coins. The Scot goes next. He climbs the ladder, goes down the slide and shouts “GOLD!” The woman grants his wish and he lands in a pile of gold coins. The Irishman gets to the top, sits down and as he goes down the slide screams “WEEEEEEE!!!!” (the alternate ending to this joke is ‘The Irishman gets to the top, stumbles, stubs his toe, and yells “SHIT!”)

Cut Him Out in Little Stars

mowgliislost:

Mowgli’s Guide To Shakespeare

Originally posted on Bill Chance:

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

Chihuly Glass
Dallas Museum of Art
Dallas, Texas

View original

Mowgli’s Guide To Making Friends

First up, please don’t start making assumptions about me based on the very lame title to this post. I am not a friendless loner or anything, but I’ve just started a new school. So, let the list begin…

1. It’s important that when you repeat an offensive racist joke you just heard someone say to someone else (to illustrate how much you are repulsed by the person who told it), make sure that
a) the person you are talking to is not BEST FRIENDS with the boy who told the joke and
b) that you don’t say it too loudly because people could overhear what you are saying out of context and genuinely believe that it is you making the racist joke.

2. Now, this next one is unbelievable but actually did happen to me my third day at this new school. We were doing a debate in Philosophy class and my class was split half and half standing either side of the room. I was leaning against a desk with my index finger on my lip and my ankles crossed. After about ten minutes or so, the teacher calls time and tells us to go back to our seats. Only I find that MY LEGS ARE STUCK TOGETHER. As in, I can’t move them. I freeze. I’m blushing, I’m totally out of my depth. People are staring. I have to physically pull my legs apart, to find white globs of stringy chewing gum hanging like a bridge just below my knees. Learn from my mistake of leaning against a desk a student had accessorized with Wrigleys and saliva and MAKE SURE THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN TO YOU.

3. I got my hair caught on a disassembled fire alarm.

4. I was getting off the train in a rush because if I don’t power walk to school I’ll be late and get a notice, when, digging in my bag for my season ticket, I realized I’D LEFT IT AT HOME. So without it they genuinely wouldn’t let me out of the station until I’d paid a frickin’ twenty pound fare. Causing me to stumble red, sweaty and out of breath into my form class forty minutes later, making a great first impression in the process…

I hope these cautionary tales have inspired you to act cool and collected. Remember, have more than you show and speak less than you know.

Yours, Mowgli xxx

p.s. the list format is back with a vengeance!

Mowgli’s Guide To A Comeback

So… a VERY long time after my last post, I have returned to my beloved but side-lined blog. A quick overview of the last year:

1. I am still in love with the same boy I’ve been in love with since I was thirteen and he has no idea. I know they say there’s always going to be that one person you can’t get out of your head, but when it happens it’s actually really annoying. I hope that we’ll meet again when we’re both older and things will work out then.

2. I commute for two hours every day out of Harlow to a sixth form in Cambridge. I guess I got what I wanted – good grades, a scholarship, getting into a great school. I started on the 2nd of September and so far I’ve made one friend. People are friendly on the whole but everybody’s already in really tight friendship groups. I’m actually really lonely there, which just shows how badly things can turn out even if you’ve planned them. Maybe the best things really do happen by accident?

3. I turned sixteen and suddenly got pretty? Well not like amazing or anything but 2011 me would think 2014 me was hot and that’s all that matters. Things were bad for a while (I call 2009-2012 ‘The Lost Years’) but they’ve picked up, and I’ve actually done some cool things in my life so far.

4. I’ve met some amazing people. I met this man on top of a mountain in a really remote part of Australia, and he lived in this shack and he wasn’t connected to the mains or anything and he was a recluse. Meeting him actually had a profound effect on me, because I realised that no matter how many TOWIE cast members there are, people like him, real, true people like him still exist in the world. You just have to know where to look.

5. I’ve been through some heavy stuff, but I guess we all have at some point in our lives (if you haven’t yet – it’s coming. Be prepared!!). I reckon you just reach a point when you feel secure enough with the present to start dealing with what’s happened to you, remembering it all, sorting through it, making peace with the past. It’s only when you’ve made peace with the person you used to be that you can fully say goodbye to her and move on.
Wow. That all just got a bit Eat, Pray, Love at the end there, didn’t it?

6. Nothing last forever. Things can change but you have to move in the right direction for that to happen. Put down that doughnut!! Read some Plato!!

Coolios. Now I’ve got you up to speed (I’ve probably missed some important stuff but I’ll add it later) I can move on with dropping some sick blog posts.

Yours, Mowgli xxx