I don’t know how many of you have been in a situation when you have to tell a joke. Now, I like to think of myself as a relatively quick-witted person, but the instruction ‘Tell us a joke!’ stumps me every time. So I thought I’d put together a cursory list of material to use in situations like this, from one-liners to long-winded tales, from old favourites to newcomers…
1. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
2. Dyslexic man walks into a bra…
3. I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” and I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
4. The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
5. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
6. I saw a man chatting up a cheetah yesterday and I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
7. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
8. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
9. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar and the barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
10. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
11. After an acrimonious divorce, a man sends his ex-wife a tombstone for her birthday with her name on it and the words ‘Cold as usual’. On his birthday, she reciprocated by sending him a tombstone bearing the words ‘Stiff at last.’
12. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”
13. An Essex woman had three sons and she called them all ‘Tyrone’. To distinguish between them, she called them by their last names.
14. Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”. So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.” “What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….’”
15. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here!” Argon doesn’t react.
16. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
17. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
18. Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. They were brought to the cannibal king who tells the three men that they must complete a series of tests so that they will not be eaten. The first task, he tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. So they go out to scavenger the island. The first man brings back apples and is told for the next task, he must shove all 10 up his butt without a noise or emotion. He gets one and a half up there before he screams and gets killed and eaten. The second man comes back with 10 berries and told of the same task. As he is about to get the 10th and final berry in, he bursts out in laughter and gets killed and eaten. Up in heaven the first man meets the second man and asked why he laughed since he was so close to freedom. He replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the other guy walk in with pineapples.”
19. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
20. Why do you never see black people on a cruise? ‘Cause they ain’t falling for that again!
21. An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are exploring the desert. They come across a big slide guarded by a woman who says “Climb the ladder, go down the slide and shout your material wish. It will appear in a big pile at the bottom.” The Englishman tries it first. He climbs the ladder, goes down the slide and shouts “SILVER!” The woman grants his wish and he lands in a pile of silver coins. The Scot goes next. He climbs the ladder, goes down the slide and shouts “GOLD!” The woman grants his wish and he lands in a pile of gold coins. The Irishman gets to the top, sits down and as he goes down the slide screams “WEEEEEEE!!!!” (the alternate ending to this joke is ‘The Irishman gets to the top, stumbles, stubs his toe, and yells “SHIT!”)